I have been rabbiting on and on about my psych test results for almost a month. I’m finally 4 days from the big reveal and I have been so sick and completely out of it, I find myself struggling to care.

I feel as though I was thinking about the test results conceptually. What does it mean for me as a person? What does it mean for my future? How does this impact how I move through the world from now on?

Now I am right back in survival mode. What do I care if someone labels me one thing or another?

I only started being able to eat a full meal a few days ago after 4-5 days of crackers and dry cereal. I constantly feel like my hands are shaking, but they’re not shaking at all. I can’t sleep at night sometimes because my heart is beating too loudly. I can’t take a sleeping medication because I won’t full wake up until 1pm.

The fact that the time I lost lying underneath a blanket hoping it would all just stop hurting right now all added up to only a few more days until the results seems somehow… irrelevant.

Of course, I might be more interested in the results once I know what they are. I can’t rule that out. But I also can’t rule out that the results might not be what I think they are and be even more bad news about my ever troubling health.

If you’ll excuse me, I think there’s a blanket I need to procure.